How to react if someone Hurts you?

When someone does something which hurts you (unintentionally), you have 3 choices regarding the dilemma:
1) Bottle up your true feelings and suppress it.
2) Estrange yourself for fear of getting hurt again by them.
3) Share your sorrows with someone who is willing to listen.

The End result? Here follows (respectively):
1) You develop Anxiety, Depression
2) They feel neglected, and slowly your relationship falls apart. You both become strangers with some memories.
3) You backbite your fellow mate while trying to share your sorrows to soothe yourself. (Whether you name him or not.)

The Solution? Deemed highly offensive and rude by most of the people on this Planet:
∞) Tell them how you feel. Let them know how and why it hurts.
∞) Explain your reasoning and ensure them that you have no enmity in your heart.
∞) Let them speak, hear their thoughts.
∞) Do not let someone else start another topic or intervene - unless necessary.
∞) Do not bring the conversation to a halt or ending until both of you have decided on a feasible solution.
∞) End it with a warm gesture, a hug, a handshake, etc.
∞) Be as close as you were before!

As Simple, & As Difficult as that!

Living in a society in which backbiting is rampant ain't an easy task. You need to recalculate before talking about your sorrows. Sure, the one who hurt you might not have dealt justly with you. But that doesn't allow you to backbite him and degrade him infront of others, even though you are craving to release your stress. If you want to release your stress, go ahead and talk to the person who paved it's path for you. Make peace with him and feel for yourself a life without stress. Sharing your sorrows with someone releases your stress only for a moment. Why settle for a temporary solution while you can go for a permanent solution?

Think Before you Backbite! It's Haraam and you know it!

It is not an attribute of a Muslim to be Two-Faced

If we talk to each other about a certain misunderstanding, instead of talking about each other behind their backs, then life would be so much better. It might be difficult, shameful, and perhaps, even hurtful to face a person and express how they are making you feel inside. but then, it's better than backbiting and being two faced, or holding a grudge although communication can solve the problem bi-iznillahi ta'ala.

The ideal Muslim does not backbite or is two faced. Nor does he hold grudges in his heart. His heart is a clean slate, full of forgiveness for his brother & sister in Islam.

Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “You find that among the worst people is someone who is two-faced, showing one face to some and another face to others.” [Sahih Bukhari]

Imam Nahlawi said: “It is seldom that a person who visits leaders and important people is free of spoken hypocrisy. Spoken hypocrisy consists of saying what contradicts one’s true state. It is one of the greatest of sins. It includes being two-faced.” [Reliance of the Traveller, by Ahmad ibn Naqib al-Misri]

“Someone told Ibn Umar (radi Allahu anhu), ‘We visit our leaders and speak, but when we leave, we say something else.’ He replied, ‘In the days of the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) we considered this hypocrisy.’” [Tabarani]

Our tongue is a blessing from Allah, which has many specialities in comparison to every other living being on earth. Instead of using it to backbite and spread fitna, go ahead and speak to that person who is causing a satanic stir in your heart. It is quite likely that the conversation would get heated up. Try your best not to mind that. express yourself and present your solution. Let them speak and listen carefully when they do. Tell them sorry if you are on the side of err (or not, if the situation demands that). And end your heated up discussion with a warm, loving hug.

If we were to use our tongues to communicate meticulously with love and affection, every fiend is bound to become our friend.. As Allah says in the Quran:

“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i. e. Allah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! He, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.” _ { Quran 41:34 }

He's always Busy!

They say that if a person loves you, they'll make time for you no matter what. Agreed?

No.. I did agree before & loved that quote until the coin flipped onto my direction and made ME the busy one.

I've realized that the quote actually worked best the other way around -- 'If a person really loves you, they'll understand you when you tell them that you are busy, no matter what.' (*)

I know it's possible to see your ‘extremely busy’ beloved, just resting at home or having a walk along the beach. I would've raised the question myself, “Excuse me, but didn't you tell me that you was busy?”

Answering myself made it seem easier to believe and digest. Maybe he had a rough, tiring day and wishes to wind off. Or maybe, he encountered something horrific at work & wishes to stop thinking about it, one way or the other.

I know it hurts to know that he decided not to give 'you' time when he finally had it after being so busy, even while he knew that you've been yearning to go shopping (perhaps). But trust me, he might be struggling with his stress load & simply might be craving for some space. Some space, to actually ‘feel’ like he is free from all obligations, duties & work.

My friends helped me a great deal when I went through the same phase, & the account I made regarding one of them is as follows:

"I never expected her to ever talk to me the same when I told her that I was busy, while I knew that she wanted my company now more than before. She did tell me that she understood me, but part of me felt like, ‘no, she wont understand'.

But the way she kept on hitting on me whenever she had the urge to discuss something important, proved to me that she never took my absence as an offence. I would reply after hours or even days apart, but she would reply with the same tone and affection.

Thus I felt good in my skin and my ‘busy-ness’, and I began leaving her msgs when I got overloaded on stress. I felt comforted when she'd reply with soothing words, and I knew that I was blessed to have her."

The real deal about this whole blabber was that whoever is claiming to be busy, must really be busy although you do see him sleeping or whatever, at times. Every single relationship is based on trust and where there's no trust, there's no need of any (baseless) love.

And as the saying goes, something like this: ‘if you cant handle me at my worst, then you dont deserve me at my best’

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(*) Applicable only to islamically legislated, halal Relationships. Such Relationships are the only ones worth fighting for.

Being compared to Lollipops & Pearls

1) Why are we Women Compared to Lollipops?

Being compared to a lollipop isn't exactly a problem, as long as the metaphor suffices what we are trying to touch on. Unfortunate enough, turns out that the lollipop theory doesn't quite fit the reality. The insects are able to find their way inside a wrapped lollipop the way they are able to feast on a lollipop without a wrap.

Sounds like an epic failure? Not exactly, yet close enough. Wrapped or boxed, a hole is required for insects to get in.

But that's not all! Neither does the wrapped lollipop render the dress code of muslim women, especially since 'wrapping' is not what was prescribed upon us muslim women. We were ordered to cover, in such a way that the shape of our body remained hidden. Does the wrapped lollipop serve that purpose? No? That didn't come as a surprise.

What I believe is that, just because of an unsuccessful theory - which probably wasn't thought out well enough before it was presented to social media - we women must not hate the metaphors brothers ascribe us to, such as pearls, gems, etc. There's no other woman deserving of such metaphors other than us Muslim women. Why? Because Allah (subhanahu wata'ala) used to describe the maidens of heaven with such metaphors...

“The likenesses of pearls well-protected” – Quran 56:23

“As if they were rubies and coral.” – Quran 55:58

That being said, we Muslim women are higher in status in comparison to the Maidens of Paradise...

Umm Salamah (Radiahallahu Anha) narrates that she said to the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) “O Rasûlullah, are the women of this world superior or the hûrs (of Paradise)?” He replied, “The women of this world will have superiority over the hûrs (houris) just as the outer lining of a garment has superiority over the inner lining.” - (Tabrânî)

....which eventually proves that we Muslims women are indeed more deserving of such metaphors, or any other that describes us efficiently.

Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) was on a journey and he had a black slave called Anjasha, and he was driving the camels (very fast, and there were women riding on those camels). Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Waihaka (May Allah be merciful to you), O Anjasha! Drive slowly (the camels) with the glass vessels (women)!" Sahih Bukhari

Al-Qurtubee (ﺭﺣﻤﻪ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ) said: "Women are likened to vessels, because they are delicate, sensitive and fragile." (Saheeh Adab Al-Mufrad)

2) Why do Men poke their nose into Women's business?

Regarding sisters who find it repulsive when brothers (scholars or their mahrams) advice them instead of leaving their matters for sisters to deal with - bear in mind that it is the shaytaan that causes such ill feelings to develop within our hearts when the truth is made clear to us. Enjoining good and forbidding evil is compulsory upon every Muslim - Men and Women.

Abu Qalaba said, "The Prophet (ﷺ) said a sentence (i.e. the above metaphor) which, had anyone of you said it, you would have admonished him for it".

The Sahaba as well used to advice women in order to prevent disorder. At times, it has offended the best of the women - Umm al-Mumineen - as well. However, they were women who felt remorse and rectified their actions soon afterwards, ma sha Allah.

Umar (radiyallahu anhu) said,"I came to know that the Prophet (ﷺ) had blamed some of his wives so I entered upon them and said, 'You should either stop (troubling the Prophet (ﷺ) ) or else Allah will give His Apostle better wives than you.' When I came to one of his wives, she said to me, 'O `Umar! Does Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) haven't what he could advise his wives with, that you try to advise them?' " Thereupon Allah revealed:-- "It may be, if he divorced you (all) his Lord will give him instead of you, wives better than you Muslims (who submit to Allah).." (66.5) - Sahih Bukhari

It's true that we shouldn't say that we must cover ourselves because men can't control themselves. After all, men do harass us women who 'cover' as well. Albeit it is known that we are harassed comparatively less, our Hijab denotes our status, not the intensity of lust the Men in our society consists of.

Is he 'The One'?

How do you know whether he’s “the One”? Frankly speaking, sometimes you don’t. Some couples have an overwhelming feeling of being made for each other while others struggle with doubt and uncertainty about making the right choice. I don’t know if the person you are engaged to is "the One" for you, but I challenge you to pray. Pray sincerely to Allah so that he may bring up any red flags that you might've been overlooking and perhaps give you a glimpse into your future with this person.

I understand that it’s scary to be on your own, to make the sudden change. To break up the connection between 2 family units. But you’ve only got one life, and you have to ask yourself , “Is this what I want for the rest of my life?”, "Does he resemble the father figure I have in mind for my babies?"

When you pray for a glimpse into your future together, you might not like what you see. It may not be horrible, but it might not be what you've dreamt of either. Sometimes you just need to weigh out your options, recognize that no one is perfect, and choose to be with the person you are 'genuinely' interested in. Other times, the right thing to do is to walk away when you don’t feel like you can choose that person every day, for the rest of your life - every waking moment.

More often than not, it so happens that when this person is no longer available, any trace of doubt that you previously had evaporates and your feelings of commitment suddenly becomes crystal clear and all-consuming to you.

Psychologists call this 'Ambivalence' - mired in ambivalence and indecision, just like Hamlet was in his famous “To Be or Not To Be” soliloquy - thus the Hamlet syndrome. What it really means is the co-existence of strong contradictory impulses and emotions such as love and hate, towards the same person. It makes you act indecisively, half-heartedly and non-commital, thereby dampening or sabotaging the connection you claim to value so much.

Ambivalence can totally drain you off of your energy. Nevertheless, remember: He's only a human being who deserves the benefit of the doubt. Follow your intuitions but don't let shaytan fool you.

We don’t always get to choose who we want to fall in love with, but we do get to choose who we want to stay in love with for the rest of our lives. Who we want to grow old with, hand in hand. And that’s the most life-giving decision of all.

May Allah ease our affairs & protect us. Ameen.

Ayyub Alaihissalaam's Wife

Never did he have 2 pieces of clothing if he ever knew that there were people somewhere in need of clothing. Neither did he ate his fill while he knew that there were people hungry somewhere. He used to make those who receive charity from him feel as though they were doing him a favour by accepting it. Such was Ayyub Alaihissalaam's generosity, but who cared about him when he fell terminally ill? No one, except his beloved wife.

She stood by him through the worst and thus had to go through so much pain herself just because of that.

All her problems were because of him. Had she left him it would've eased her worldly life. She wouldn't have required to work like a slave, begging to be employed so that she may be able to earn a few pennies to feed her fatally ill husband.

But she held on to him and suffered so much. Even sold her hair section by section until she got completely bald, just so that she could feed him - without his knowledge. She loved him so much that she didn't even care about her own beauty.

Her husband lost all his wealth, their beloved children and his health, one after another. His illness was so severe that people isolated him and his wife, fearing that the illness was contagious.

Despite all that, she never left him. Until one day, Shaytaan managed to persuade her and thus she asked Ayyoob Alaihissalaam, 'How long are we going to suffer like this? Why won't you ask Allah for his mercy?'
Upon that, Ayyoob Alaihissalaam got furious and promised that if he ever gets better, he will lash her a 100 times for that.

Imagine working like a slave to provide for a husband who was unable to do anything for her, only to be paid back with such a statement. He didn't even tolerate that *seemingly* mild complaint of her, after all those years of service. Wouldn't she have got depressed?

Her husband got mad at her because she wasn't thankful to Allah. He was ashamed to ask Allah for his mercy because he felt that he hasn't suffered as much as he had previously enjoyed. Thankfully, she was someone who - when she errs, rectifies it and rushes to seek forgiveness from Allah. She was someone who valued the words of her husband & readily understood them. She didn't get into an argument with him. She didn't remind him of her services and sacrifices - that he must be indebted to her. Instead, she just left the house crying when he asked her to leave him alone.
Isn't that how we women must be?

Being strong doesn't mean you need to roar like a lioness every time you feel that you are being wronged. Being strong can also mean to patiently endure and persevere, putting other's needs first. Not everyone are able to let go of their own pain and complaints even for the sake of the people they love.

Let us take heed and reflect, in sha Allah. May Allah have mercy upon her & bless her with eternal Paradise. Ameen.